Hi Readers,
With a lot of exams and assessments coming up, I’ll be going on a hiatus until further notice(probably for around a month.)
Thank you for your understanding🥦🙂
H.C.A Agate
Hiatus
My First Blog Post
What to expect from my blog
To know that people accept you for who you are, that’s great.
But to know that people love you for who you are, that’s even better.
— H.C.A Agate
People tell you to speak up when you are going through or have went through something awful, unbearable. They tell you that they will listen, but do they really?
All those times in my life I’ve tried to speak up to the people who say they will listen, my words fall to deaf ears, my traumatizing experiences are downplayed, and, instead of that relief that people say you will feel if you speak up, I feel so depressed.
I was discriminated throughout primary school as I was one of the few, very few, Chinese/ Asian people in my school. They shunned me because of my yellow skin, my small, eyes, my flat face; typical Asian stereotypes. When I told them that they had hurt me, they told me that it was a joke. Joke or not, I was ashamed to be Asian.
In preschool, I was sexually assaulted by a group of boys I thought were my friends. They touched me, they licked me and I cried out for help but no one heard. Ever since then, I was uncomfortable around boys and men. I couldn’t stand near them, couldn’t talk to them, couldn’t pay for my shopping if they were at the counter. I told my mum, she said that it should be easy to forget about as they were just young children too. She said that I shouldn’t be too sensitive.
And now, this obsession with weight, with being thin, with being pretty, it’s destroying me. I can’t go outside because I feared people were judging me. Every eye that looked up, that darted around, was judging me. I used to wear over sized and long hoodies, even when it was hot, to disguise my not so skinny legs.
All those times I tried to tell people how I felt they ignored me.
The thing about discrimination, racism, mental health is not recognizing it, it’s not turning your back.
Now on a different note, here is the content you will find on my blog:
- Quotes- some that I have made up and some I have found
- Playlists- Unknown and deep songs and other genres
- Poetry
- Articles about issues that I are important to me such as, racism to Asians and people conforming to fit in with societies standards
- Short stories or one-shots
Also, this is the first time I have created a blog so please don’t expect a lot from my writing.
Tomino’s Hell on earth
the air raid sirens
i ran for cover
& i told You
I’ll see you after work –
Your smile a mimicry of the glistening diamond
hanging on a chain around your neck.
shadows pooled in the hollow
of Your cheeks
blood flooding into bottomless pupils
& You drink the poisoned rain like water
blinded by the screams of Your parched throat
begging for nourishment.
You watched me & Your tongue
caressed the inner edge of the blade
a fallen angel blinded by blood like droplets of rain –
one arm outstretched and the other
hollow like Your eyes
You came to search for me
Your mind clinging to this hope as
Your barely living body wandered
through the burning buildings and the corpses littered across the streets
ーa mass grave
You stopped across from me
and Your hollowed out eyes met my gaze while
i cried tears of blood,
sorrow paralysing me behind the corrugated iron door
and then the world behind You lit up as if the sun was rising
with a backdrop of warm orange
when the flames enveloped You, You grew wings of fire
like that of a burning angel, falling into hell
and around Your neck hung a diamond
rendered to ash by the scorching fire
The sand and our disturbances
The sand and our disturbances
Tracing the soft, almost tender ridges in the sand
They beg me to wonder…
Somewhere at the beginning of time
Was the sand ever still?
Still without ridges
Without the susurrations of wind
Unsettling it
Without the human weight
Moulding it into soft crests
Before it shifted with time and displacement
Was it ever unmoving,
The closest experience we can ever get to a standstill
When time doesn’t seem to pass?
A time
Where I can watch with my eye upturned
To an unwavering sun
On an unwavering country
In an unwavering world
An omnipresent assurance
That in a time before human sin,
Before human tarnish
We would remain just like that
Not perfect
But still
Not silent
But at a point of tranquility
A time
Will we intertwine our visions
Like the fading autumn leaves,
When gone…when dead
Is the beauty of nature
A time
Will we wander?
But lost means nothing without the distillation of time…
A time
Will we matter?
But to matter…
…To matter is to be the first to bring life to the sand.
Will you point out the way that I have to force the air out
Swift and hard,
Just to make a dent?
Will you ridicule the way
I crouch there at the edge
Desperate to stir the sand
As you manipulate it into eddies
That I blink away
only to be blinded by them again?
Will you laugh at me
Like all my effort is a joke?
The sand
And your disturbances.
Enough
I finally understand what you mean by
The
Cold.
The way it creeps in
And takes root
Not just in your skin
But in your mind
The cold.
You feel it because you’re alone,
Without anyone to warm you,
Warmth triumphs the cold
Or maybe
You just forget it’s there.
Because…
In the warmth you feel
Like
Someone loves you
Enough… Enough that you
never
feel alone
Destroyer
You say we’re both too strong to let go
You say it takes courage to hold on
Will. Strength. Courage.
That’s all there is left..
Because hope is too abstract for you to grasp
To comprehend
To capture
As the wind that pushes you on
And on.
As the wind that can only make you strong
Ever stronger
Until the only thing you can do
is destroy.
You told me. Now tell me.
You told me you hated the world outside,
Your disembodied feelings
Your incapacity to capture them
You, incapable of saving the world crumbling around you.
Yet when you stand in the road,
Noise like rain that slashes at you, under an umbrella,
When you stand there,
Your eyes directionless,
Your body motionless,
Where no one takes much notice
Of you.
In the city
Where you say no one will find you
Unless they look for you
It’s there,
It’s in the way you’re still
In the way you let yourself fall into the comforting arms
Of
Normality
That you tell me.
The world outside
Is nothing but an ugly beauty.
And you,
Lost in it.
Tempus, Temporis
Line after line,
The hands trace the protected,
glass smooth,
glass distant,
face
with a ghostlike murmuring of
a
touch.
You cannot see the ginger ripples that it etches
into
the
surface…
You cannot see the tentative movements laid
bare in each omnipresent tick…
But you can feel how the light changes,
The steady, familiar outreach of
Light…dark
Light…dark
Matching the rhythms beating beneath those hands.
Its constancy, a clever guise
for something that can bound so easily beyond the reach
of your
outstretched
hands.
For something that brushes by-
Even in the sunken depths
of
your
dreams
Poem I
Return
My eyes blinded
I stumble…
I stumble
Blinded
Not by the overwhelming presence of light
Or the tidal waves of the dark
But the absence of you
That absence
Once the presence
Of
You
They say there is no light
Without the dark
No dark without
The light
I could say this
Turn it over and over
In my head
But I know that
Plainly…simply
There is no absence
Without the presence
Of you
Protected: Chicken Padang
Quote#108
Quote#107
H.C.A Agate 